Good Morning Jerusalem....
A christmas play i'm writing....
GOOD MORNING, JERUSELAM
SET: Typical “tonight show” set up – Desk for host is placed at ¾ Stage Right, Armchair sits direct right of desk, sofa direct left of chair. The band “Shofar &Lyre” sits 45 degree angle stage far left. “Commercial” area is in Pit Area Stage Right.
Lights up on stage, empty except for band. Band is playing seriously upbeat “Good Morning Jeruselam” Theme [[we need to come up with a theme song]]
Enter Host. Waves at audience and sits at desk, shuffling papers.
OFFSTAGE ANNOUNCER: [with energy] GOOOOOOD MORNING JERUSALAM!
[Audience prompter holds up “APPLAUSE” card toward audience]
Host: [seated at desk]
Today is [insert day and date here]. Welcome to Good Morning Jerusulem, where you’ll always start your day with up to the minute news, weather, and entertainment. We’re broadcasting live from Studio 1-B here in Jerusalem Center.
Topping our news this morning is the unusual story coming out of the rural province of Galilee. Last week, the normally tranquil atmosphere of rural Palestine was disturbed by a series of unexplainable events surrounding Governor Caeser’s Census. While already in a state of heightened alert due to the census travel, the local populace was thrown into turmoil as rumors of strange occurances and extra-terrestrial appearances ripped through the city. There were also reports of widespread noise pollution. Once community is at the center of the commotion. Bethlehem, city of David, previously un-heard of, has become a veritable mecca for star gazers, marauding kings, and other assorted oddities.
Also in Bethlehem this morning, the medical community is investigating the sudden onset of hallucianations among the local shepherd population. Analysists are focusing on food poisoning, possibly take out Flaffel from Chez Ishmael’s in the Lower Greek Quarter.
In other news, the greek olive oil industry is reporting a sharp drop in production this fiscal period due to the ongoing Foot Presser Union 436 labour strike. Officials from the industry are projecting a fuel cost spike if talks are not resumed.
And as we span the world this morning, a massive sandstorm in Arabia has prompted government officials to declare a state of emergency. In a statement by the minister of transportation, citizens are being urged to leave single rider camels at home and either camel pool on a double hump, or take mass caravan transport.
It’s time for a word from our sponsors, so Stay tuned to GOOD MORNING JERUSELAM for more on our top story “Bethelehem Mayhem” [host picks up papers, stacks them, studies script while commercial is going on]
COMMERCIAL: DONKEY DAVE’S
Crafty looking man in checkered toga and slicked back hair runs onto commercial set. He is carrying a stick pony [broomstick with horses head on it]
DONKY DAVE: [in a used car salesman style] HELLO HELLO HELLO THERE. I’M Donkey Dave of Donkey Dave’s Used Donkey Dealership and Rental, where you can get the best donkeys in all the land. Here at Donkey Dave’s, the prices are LOW LOW LOW!!! SO low, we’re practically GIVING them away! We have standard models, compacts, and the popular HIGH PERFORMANCE Donkeys, all priced and ready to move. For this month only, We’re offering 15 Sheckles above book value for all Camel Trade In purchases, but remember it’s Only THIS MONTH. TIME IS RUNNING OUT, So RUN, DON’T WALK to DONKEY DAVE’S USED DONKEY DEALERSHIP – On the corner of 25th and Abraham – C’MON DOWN TO DONKEY DAVE’S!!!!
[freeze]
BAND PLAYS CHORUS OF THEME SONG
Lights up on host desk. Host sits up properly.
HOST: Welcome Back to Good Morning Jeruselam, your home for up to the minute news, weather and entertainment updates. This morning, we’re concentrating on the strange events surrounding the recent Census in Palestine. We’re joined this morning by several guests from the region who were eyewitnesses to the mayhem.
Our first guest is Bethlehem Agricultural Specialist, Ben……Ben……
Ben: Yep. Ben.
Host: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your last name…
Ben: Just Ben.
Host: [shifting papers nervously] Uh…Alright then. Ben. Welcome to Good Morning Jeruselam, Israel’s home for up to the minute news. [glances at papers] It says here that you are the President of the Agricultural Worker’s union, and a Shepherd by trade?
Ben: Yep.
Host: [looking a bit uncomfortable] And what exactly is it that you do as a shepherd?
Ben: Watch sheep.
Host: And?
Ben: [scratches head] and what?
Host: And what else does shepherding entail?
Ben: [pauses, as if to process the question] [shrugs] Well, every once in a while, we move ‘em. Ya know, once they done ate all the grass on the hill. We get up and walk ‘em to a new hill they ain’t picked clean yet.
Host: I see. [glances at papers again] Well, let’s focus on the events of last week. Perhaps you could give us your perspective on what happened?
Ben: [settles back into chair, crosses on leg over the other knee, and takes on a relaxed tone] It started out like any normal night – you know – dark, sheep, me and my friends levi and joe sittin’ around the fire makin’ flaffel kabobs, tellin’ jokes, talkin’ about the chicks down at Jezzie’s bar…..when all of a sudden, there’s this wicked bright light in the sky. The sheep went right nutty – all layin’ down like they was bowin’ or somethin’. Levi thought it was a UFO – whatever the heck that is – and joe, well, he looked like he was gonna chuck his hummus.
It got brighter, and closer. It was closin’ in on us like some kinda glowin’ camel raider. And then there was this VOICE. Man, ya never heard nothin’ like it. All deep and boomin’ – like thunder. That’s when I realized what was happenin’. Man, we was bein’ invaded by ANGELS! Levi was just standin’ there like some kinda’ idiot, and Joe – I ‘bout had to slap him silly for swearin’ in front of an ANGEL. You’d think he was a sailor, not a shepherd, the mouth he’s got on ‘im. At this point, I ‘bout had a heart attack, but this angel tells us “Don’t be scared.”
And I’m thinkin’ “Yeah right. You’re the one floatin’ in thin….”
Host: [interrupting] So the [makes quote marks with fingers] “Celestial being” made you uneasy?
Ben: How’d you feel if you were just minding your own beeswax and an angel came flyin’ at ya?
But anyway, he said a bunch a stuff after that. I was scared outta my sandles, so I only half heard him, but he said a bunch uh junk about this being a special nigh and some baby being born down in town – and that he’s the one we’ve been waiting for.
[scoots forward onto edge of chair and speaks with urgency]
And then all of a sudden, the sky filled up with piles of angels and they’s all singin’ this stuff about praise and glory to God. Ya never heard nuttin’ like it. I never been big into all that culture junk but this was most daggone pretty song I ever heard. It was like the whole sky was singin’ – even the sheeps was listenin’.
[ben leans forward toward host desk and addresses her in urgent tones]
That dang song is STILL stuck in my head. We didn’t need no special invitation to know to listen to those directions. Me and Joe and Levi jumped right up and headed straight down into town. We left our sheep right behind. Them angels told us right where to go. We got there, but thought it was wrong. We ended up at a crummy stable in the worst part of town. But sure enough, there they were. They wasn’t much to see….smelly stable, bunch uh noisy animals, and the baby was pretty scrawny – but I wasn’t too surprised at that once I saw his mom was just a kid.
Host: [leaning head on hand so to become closer to the shepherd…in a skeptical voice] And this is your first hand account?
Ben: Ya’ know, if I hadn’t heard what the angels said with my own two ears, I woudn’t ‘ave belived it either. But it was there. Noise, smell, and all. This was it. Haven’t seen nuttin’ like it before…not even at Jezzie’s place……it wasn’t classy or nuttin, but it was what it was. And what it was…was….REAL.
Host: [to camera] Well folks, there you have it. Bethlehem Ben, shepherd and angel chaser. Keep it here on Good Morning Jerusalem for more…uuuhh….perspectives on the Bethlehem Occurences.
[stacks papers, shakes head as attention is diverted to commercial area]
Down in commercial area, a girl dressed in a toga and head dress is pantomiming an explaination of a new and improved wineskin [can be bought in camping section of walmart –called bota bag] gesturing like vanna white, and drinking elaborately, swinging skin by strap, modeling it, etc]
Host: [looking up at Ben, still sitting in chair] Now you move over there. [gestures to far end of couch]
Ben: Ya don’t believe it, do you?
Host: [sarcastically] you really expect me to believe that “angels” from “heaven” just showed up on a hill to some dirty, uneducated, sheep herders and pointed out a messiah….let me tell you something, Mr. Ben. I’ve studied hard to get to this point. I’ve been to Acropolis U. I’ve even been to your Hebrew Studies Learning and Cultural Center. I KNOW what the messiah is supposed to look like – how he’s supposed to arrive – and believe me, he’s not going to be some scrawny kid laying in a cow’s cereal bowl.
Downstage, the commercial finishes, and the pantomiming actress quietly exits]
OFFSTAGE ANNOUNCER VOICE: We’re on in 5…4…3…2…
Host: [straightening herself] Welcome back to Good Morning Jerusalem! If you’re just joining us, we’ve been devoting exclusive coverage to the recent events in Bethlehem. Our next guest is Lydia Kashik, wife of Oscar Kashik, Founder and Owner of Kashiksson Inns Incorporated. Welcome, Mrs. Kashik.
Lydia: [with an air of aloofness, yet warmly] Please, call me Lydia.
Host: Lydia. Welcome to Good Morning Jerusalem. It’s delightful to have you here again. [to camera/audience] As you know, Lydia is a regular guest here on Good Morning Jerusalem, due to her wildly popular Daytime Home Show “Lydia Kashik Living”.
Lydia, is it true that a teen girl gave birth in the barn at the Kashiksson Bethlehem Resort last week?
Lydia: [gives a short chuckle] No dear. The Kashiksson Bethlehem Resort has a strict policy that prohibits guest access to the livestock. We have valet camel and donkey parking, and contracted shepherd services, so there’s really no need to assume the risk of guests in the stable area.
Host: so you’re saying there was no birth?
Lydia: Not at all. There was, in fact, a birth, but not at the Kashiksson Bethlehem. My husband is in the process of acquiring a property in lower downtown. We just closed on it two weeks ago, actually. It was there that the birth took place.
Host: Is Kashiksson Incorporated currently responsible for activities and patrons of this newly acquired property?
Lydia: Yes we are. We wanted to assume control of the property before the census rush. Unfortionately, that didn’t leave any time for us to begin the extensive renovations that we’d planned. The property is in a state of disrepair, but Kashiksson Inc. is prepared to take on the challenge of leading Lower Downtown in a Revitalization movement.
Host: In your opinion, did news of this barnyard birth have a negative impact on Kashiksson Inc.’s still tenuous presence in the Lower Downtown?
Lydia: Not at all. If anything, it has helped us secure a name for ourselves.
Host: You must have at least had *Some* apprehension about letting a woman give birth in your stable – liability being what it is these days….
Lydia: First, let me assure you, my husband and I were unaware of the birth and it’s circumstances until the next morning. The night clerk is a local man in whom we have complete confidence. Unless there was an emergency, we had given him full managerial discresion over the Kashiksson Downtown.
Host: So you support him in his actions?
Lydia: Absolutely. Misha did the best he could in the situation. He lived up to the Kashiksson Inc. mission statement and acted on it in the most compassionate way he knew to act.
Host: Allowing a woman to give birth in a stable was compassionate?
Lydia: When the young couple came to him, it was late, and the Kashiksson Downtown was already booked solid. According to the reports he’d gotten from the Chez Ishmael’s Delivery Boy, so were all the other inns in the city. Misha did the only thing he could think of in that situation……he offered the couple the only shelter he could. And he DID make sure that all livestock was properly secured, and that the straw was clear of *coughs* droppings.
Host: And when did you and Mr. Kashik become aware of the events?
Lydia: The next morning. Misha always sends his daily reports to us via currier. When I read his log, I was obviously concerned about the liability issue, especially since Misha indicated that this birth had drawn a considerable amount of attention among the locals.
posted by Christin ><> | 10/13/2005 01:57:00 PM
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